How do I know if he is the one I should marry? Maybe you’re in a serious relationship, maybe you aren’t sure if you want to continue dating someone, or maybe just preparing for the future- but the question burns in you.
You love him but is it right? Is he the one that you should marry?
How To Know If He’s ‘The One’: A Young Wife’s Guide
Are you ready to be ‘the one’ for someone else?
Before we begin to go through the signs to see if he is the one to marry, let’s take a step back and ask the same about you. Are you ready for marriage?
First, evaluate your intentions behind wanting to get married. Many women think that getting married will make them happy. An invaluable quote that was shared with me is that marriage is not to make you happy, it is to make you holy. Marriage sanctifies us, meaning it refines us and conforms us to the image of Christ. And if you know anything about being sanctified, you know that becoming more like Christ can be a painful and humbling process.
The truth is that the highest and ultimate purpose of marriage is not to make us
happy,but to glorify God. Women who get married for the sole purpose of finding happiness are setting themselves up for almost certain disappointment; they seldom find what they are looking for. And women who believe that they have to have a husband in order to be happy often settle for less than what God intended to give them.
Lies Women Believe, by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth
Is God calling you to marriage? And specifically is he placing this man in your life to marry?
Consider individual counseling and premarital counseling before getting engaged to process through such a big decision. Premarital counseling helps couples iron out the wrinkles in their relationship before getting married. Additionally, individual counseling can help you process through old wounds and emotional baggage that you could be carrying into your marriage.
Our Love Story
Aaron and I met at a Bible school in the Rocky Mountains. (Timberline Lodge Bible School) Aaron came to work on staff and I came as a student. As you may have read in my story, Timberline was a place of healing for me. I hadn’t come to find a husband. In fact, the opposite was true- I definitely did not want to find a relationship!
God Had Other Plans
Right before Christmas break, we went on a school-wide missions trip to New York. This is when I started to notice Aaron- or really, I noticed that he was noticing me. We talked and hung out together a lot on that trip. When we went home for Christmas break, we couldn’t stop thinking about each other. Aaron talked with his parents and I talked to mine.
Hurdles From The Start
We are 10.5 years apart in age and romantic relationships between staff and students at Timberline are forbidden. You can almost hear the record screeching to a stop. When Aaron talked with his family and friends, the main concern was that he was wanting to date an 18-year-old. On the other hand, my friends were totally weirded out that I wanted to start dating someone who was almost 30. Once we returned to Timberline after Christmas break, I talked with my discipleship group leader about my feelings for Aaron not knowing that it was against the rules. She responded appropriately by notifying our director.
Training Wheels Aren’t Always For Dumbies
The start of our romantic relationship wasn’t romantic at all. While I was still a student at Timberline, so we had guidelines that we needed to follow. Looking back, it was God’s grace to us that He gave us relationship training wheels. The rules given to us helped me to stay focused on my time as a student and allowed us to become friends without the pressure of romantics.
You May Now Hug The Student… Wait, What?
Finally, graduation day came and Aaron and I had our first hug. We were elated to start dating. I stayed as a staff member that summer and our relationship bloomed. We loved spending time together! Most importantly, I knew deep down that I was going to marry this man. He was kind, accepting of my past, funny, allowed me to be me, admired me, was open and honest with me about his feelings, strived for righteousness, and of course, that man is easy on the eyes. Aaron has always joked with me that I have the 3 C’s of a good wife: cute, cooks, cleans. What a goofball!
You Got Married When?!
We got married 6 months after our first date. Ultimately, as much as I loved (and still love) Aaron, I knew that marriage is a covenant with God. Getting married was a step of obedience more than a fulfillment of romantic longings for me. This mentality behind the meaning of marriage changed the way that I thought about our marriage when we hit tough times. Above all, it doesn’t matter if I like Aaron
It is important to follow God’s leading to find your mate but it is even more important to understand the gravity of marriage. The marriage that God is calling you into is for a Kingdom-driven purpose. “God uses the rough edges of each partner in a marriage to
12 Signs That He is NOT ‘The One’
1. He isn’t following God.
- Don’t compromise and ignore your dealbreakers. For the Christian woman, this should be at the top of the list. Jesus looked to the Father for guidance in the Bible; likewise, husbands are to look to the Father for guidance to lead their family well. Ultimately, you will be following God’s path for your life through the leadership of your husband. If your man isn’t following God, then you will be following a man and not following God through your husband. This causes a great divide in relationships!
- As two people draw closer to God, they become closer to one another. If one is in close relationship with God and the other is not, there will be a disconnect between that couple.
2. He isolates you.
- All of a sudden, he doesn’t want you to hang out with your friends. He gets mad at you if you go out without him. It is a big red flag if your man is isolating you physically, but don’t forget about emotional isolation. First, he won’t want you to talk about your relationship with friends. Next, he will tell you that people don’t want to hear what you have to say. This type of behavior is NOT healthy!
3. You feel dumb around him because he belittles you.
- He should make you feel loved and valued. If no one else, he should make you feel like you can do anything.
4. You have absolutely nothing in common.
- Are your values the same? What things do you both like to do? Even opposites still have things in common.
5. You don’t like to spend your time in the same way.
- He likes to go tent camping, hiking, kayaking, and everything outdoors. On the flip side, you like to meet up with friends at a nice restaurant, explore big cities, and go shopping. Most importantly, you do not like spending time outdoors. While it is fine to compromise in the beginning, later on in your relationship it can become frustrating to never want to do the same things.
6. Every person has imperfections, can you tolerate his and does he tolerate yours?
- Can you live with being with someone who is chronically messy? What about someone with a time-intensive hobby? Does he accept your “crazy”?
7. He doesn’t make an effort to love you. You don’t feel like a priority in his life.
- Relationships are a
two waystreet, both giving 100% of themselfto the other. So, he should go out of his way to show you love. After God, you should be his first priority in life and his actions should reflect that.
8. You’re doing all of the giving in the relationship.
- You always buy him a gift during special occasions, but he never buys you anything. You always drive over to his place to hang out because he doesn’t want to drive over to yours. You always pay for dates because he can’t keep a stable job. There should be a give and take in every relationship!
9. He isn’t honest and open.
- If you know he lies to you, then don’t stay. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship. Never know what he is thinking? Find someone else who trusts you with his thoughts and can be vulnerable with you.
10. You always seem to have questions. You feel unstable in your relationship.
- You shouldn’t feel emotionally unstable in your relationship. Questions about your relationship shouldn’t be constantly running through your mind. Do you think your relationship is complicated? Is it hard to explain your relationship
tofriends? Does he never want to define the relationship?
11. He questions you and your motives. You feel the need to interrogate him.
- A healthy relationship has no secrets. It is trusting and honors each person. So, you shouldn’t be giving each other reason to investigate. At the same time, you should trust each other enough that you don’t need to snoop around.
12. He doesn’t have any wise counsel in his life- or even worse, he doesn’t listen to wise counsel.
- Both of you need to have friends, family, and other trusted counsel to be the word of wisdom in your life. You need to have people in your life (outside of each other) to keep you upright.
13 Things To Look For In ‘The One’
One: He leads you spiritually.
- In Christian circles, this is a big one that can be thrown around. When we were dating, even I said it! I hear it all the time, “he pushes me to Christ.” Well, what does that even mean? 3 years into marriage and we are still learning what that should look like.
- What does that look like for you? What style of leader do you need?
- Is his leading consistent? Is his faith consistent?
- Does he pray with you? For you?
- Is he an active member of a church body?
- Does he have someone wise (and older) speaking into his life spiritually?
Two: He esteems you.
- He respects you, admires you and wants the best for you. I have always loved this quote from the movie Juno, “In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your a**. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” He should be your biggest fan!
Three: You are attracted to him.
- Sometimes you are attracted with the character of a man before you’re physically attracted to him. I think that is totally normal! It isn’t vein or shallow to want to like the way your mate looks. After all, God gave us eyes to see.
Four: He listens to you and values your opinion.
- The right man for you will want to hear what you have to say. He will go to you for advice first. You should feel like when you are having a conversation that he is listening to you fully.
Five: You trust him to do things for you, like your laundry.
- This is a great test of trust and it shows that you are willing to let things go. It also shows that he is willing to put effort into helping you. Delegating chores is a big milestone in a relationship, so don’t skip over it! It is important to know how each of you like things done and who will do it.
Six: You have the same goals in life.
- For example, you both want to be homesteaders so you will agree on choices that you will need to make to get to that goal. You would have to sell your house in the city, buy land, build a house, buy livestock, etc. Or let’s say on the flip side, you have a fundamental difference in your goals. You want to be a career-woman and he wants you to homeschool all of your children. It can get messy when you don’t have similar goals for big life choices.
Seven: He compromises and sacrifices for you- and you do the same for him!
- Every relationship should be a give and take. He compromises or sacrifices his wishes for your sake and vice versa.
Eight: You have the same family values.
- Do you both want children? How many? Do you agree on when to have them? Are you both open to adoption? Will you raise your children in the church? How will you discipline your children? These are all very important questions to talk about before getting married. And yes, it is a BIG deal if you disagree on any of these items!
Nine: He is your favorite person. You love being together whenever you can.
- You have best friends, family and then you have your man. Your bond should be set apart and mutually cherished. He might be ‘the one’ if you love being together and you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.
Ten: You can be emotional in front of him- and he responds well to your emotions.
- You should feel comfortable crying in front of him. Has he seen you angry? Scared? Giddy? It is important that both of you see the happy, sad and ugly cry of each other. Does he tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling that way? Red flag! You both should have rights to your emotions. Supportive relationships have room for a range of emotions.
Eleven: He has a good relationship with his parents and your family.
- His relationship with his family will be a guide to how he will instintively respond in certain situations. A good relationship with parents shows that he submits himself under authority. It is a great thing if he gets along well with your family!
Twelve: You handle finances well as a team.
- How do you both deal with money? Are you opposites in spending habits? Naturally, I am a saver and my husband is a spender. Finding the best way for our family to manage finances has been a process of trial and error.
Areeither of you in debt? How will you work through that together?
Thirteen: He responds well to conflict.
- He is able to talk through disagreements. He processes through his emotions as they arise in a healthy way and will seek help when needed.
How do I know if he is the love of my life?
I don’t believe in soulmates. There I said it! I have never thought that there is only one person in the entire universe that is meant for someone else. With that being said, I still got tripped up during our engagement on the term “love of my life”. Nervous thoughts crowded my mind. How do I know he is the love of my life? I didn’t know what that was supposed to feel like. I wondered, “do I love him enough?”
Several women told me that they knew their husband was “the one” because they loved him so much they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Some said they couldn’t eat or sleep because they were so in love. One told me that she dropped 10 pounds before they were engaged because she would forget to eat while lost in love. Hearing all of that terrified me because I didn’t feel any of that with Aaron. Sure, I loved him but there weren’t any fireworks or frilly love signs for me.
It took me far too long to wrap my head around some of these sayings. In other words, he is the love of your life because in a covenant marriage, unless someone dies, he will be the only love of your lifetime. It has nothing to do with the amount of love that you have at the time of engagement!
As I said above in our love story, marrying my husband was beyond an act of love; it was an act of obedience to God’s calling. God had laid on my heart that Aaron was the one I was supposed to marry- for better or worse, for the glory of His Kingdom.
The Last Thing You Need To Know To Decide If He’s The One
To sum it up, you will have peace in knowing
Pray and wait until you feel God has given you a yes. If something feels off in your gut, then listen! Don’t stay in a relationship that you don’t feel sure about and definitely do not stay in a relationship that you feel unsafe in.
Leave a comment! How did you know he was right for you?
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